Being with Debbie for almost 20 years has taught me A LOT. I learned to cherish what you have, it won't always be there. I learned to prepare for the future, you don't know what it holds and you don't wanna be caught with your pants pulled down. I learned to love, love your family, love your friends, love yourself. I learned how to be there for someone...goes without saying. I learned how to fight and never fucking quit until there is no more. I learned to like the little things like making little fists in the sand with your toes. I learned that you go to funerals no matter how busy you are. I learned to say "thank you", "your welcome", and how to ask for help. I learned I fix almost almost anything. I learned that when you put your dog or cat down you have to go to the vet and sit with your pet when it happens. I learned that community is important. I learned that a woman with CF can do anything she puts her mind to...almost.
So if y'all haven't figured out yet transplants are not the cure, they are an end of life decision. As I heard plenty of times, "it is not a cure, you are trading one set of problems for another". For a lot of people they work great, not all are as lucky. I don't want you all to believe I am bitter. We stole 3 more months and with out the transplant I believe the funeral would have been in August. My anger comes from the work and fear that she was put through for those months. I am dealing with that now and will probably for a little while. So thank you all for following the made for tv movie that was summer and fall of 2012. I love you all and thank you all for all that you have done; countless fundraisers, countless cards, food, dinners, showers, calls, visits, pretzel jello, and love.
Pam actually called me today and asked if she could post something and it was funny since I was thinking about it but was too chicken...did I mention that counseling is tomorrow. Pam sent me this to post...
Enough (or what I wished I had the guts to say at the memorial)
By Pam Grulich
Was it enough?
Did Deb fight enough?
Did we support her enough?
Did we laugh with her enough?
Did we cry with her enough?
Did the doctors do enough?
Did Louie and I consider the choices enough?
Did they try enough of every little thing to help her survive?
Did Deb and Louie do enough prep work?
Did Deb, Louie, and the doctors do enough after surgery?
Did we hope enough?
Did we wish enough?
Did we pray enough?
Did we send enough good energy and thoughts?
Did we contribute enough?
Did we tell her enough she was thought of?
Did we love her enough?
Did we cherish her enough?
Did we tell her enough?
Was three months of a taste of life without oxygen and breathing freely, enough?
When will I have cried enough?
When will I have bought enough MAC makeup and eaten enough cookies to soothe the pain? (insert your own method of coping here)
When will I feel like I am okay enough not to be frozen and numb, nodding my head and smiling, when I really want to be curled into myself, protected from the physical pain?
Was 42 years of everything Debbie was, enough to sustain us as we continue on?
Will our children remember her enough?
Was her struggle and pain enough so that others may learn from her transplant?
When will we feel like enough of our broken hearts are healed and whole enough so we can become open to new possibilities?
We will have to remember her enough everyday. Speak about her enough, tell her story enough. She touched each and every one of you reading this. Was it enough?
We all have our own personal answers to these questions. I for one, know for absolute certain that twenty-three years being her friend will not be enough for me.
From Pam and I we wish you all the best and be good to each other.
P.S. sorry for no cute pics this time.